Who are we?
Probably too good for you.
We founded Pretentious Coffee not because the world needed another coffee company—but because it needed one brave enough to admit what everyone else is pretending not to be: completely, unapologetically, absurdly pretentious.
We roast high-quality, specialty-grade coffee, but we do it without the gatekeeping, the flavor note dissertations, or the ego inflation that usually comes free with a flat white. Instead, we deliver world-class coffee with world-class satire—because great taste shouldn’t require a PhD in pour-over.
Our coffee comes in tall-boy recyclable cans normally reserved for beverages, because bags are boring, annoying, wasteful… and we like confusing people. Also, those bags are lined with plastic—yuk.
Each can holds 1/2 lb. of roasted beans (whole or ground), perfectly portioned and aggressively stylish. Choose from varieties like Hints of Hubris, Artisanal Nihilism, Single Origin Arrogance, and Decaf, Really?—each roasted to perfection and packaged with a wink. Our 4-pack lets you mix and match when you can’t be bothered to decide on just one roast.
We believe in better beans, better jokes, and better packaging. We care deeply about sourcing, sustainability, and the craft of roasting—but we care equally about making fun of how seriously people take it.
Pretentious Coffee is for people who know good coffee… but are also in on the joke.
Drink it. Post about it. Judge others quietly.
Return Policy
At this time we don’t accept returns or exchanges.
Share your pretentious side.
Questions? Concerns? Compliments thinly veiled as complaints?
We’re here for it. Probably.
Contest Rules.
Pretentious Coffee "Show Us Your Most Pretentious Coffee Ritual" Contest Rules
NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. A purchase will not increase your chances of winning — but it will dramatically increase your social standing (not legally binding).
1. Sponsor
This contest is sponsored by Pretentious Coffee Company, Wilmington, NC.
2. Eligibility
Open to legal residents of the United States who are 18 years or older at the time of entry. Must possess an astonishingly pretentious coffee ritual worthy of internet fame.
3. How to Enter
To enter, submit a photo or video showing us your most pretentious coffee ritual. Post it to TikTok and tag @PretentiousCoffeeCo. Be sure to follow us and use the hashtag #PretentiousCoffeeRitual.
Entries must be posted by 10:00 PM ET on June 13, 2025. Late entries are like under-extracted espresso — unacceptable.
4. Prize
One (1) winner will receive a free 4-pack of Pretentious Coffee (winner’s choice from available varieties) shipped to any U.S. address of their choosing — free shipping included, because we’re generous like that.
Approximate Retail Value (ARV) of Prize: $50.
5. Winner Selection
Our panel of self-appointed snobs will review all eligible entries and select the most gloriously pretentious ritual. Judging is based on creativity, commitment to absurdity, and overall pretentiousness. Winner will be announced on June 14, 2025, by 9:00 PM ET on TikTok.
6. Notification
The winner will be contacted via direct message. Failure to respond within 48 hours will result in forfeiture and selection of an alternate winner (because the show must go on).
7. General Conditions
No cash equivalent or substitutions. By entering, you give Pretentious Coffee Company permission to share your entry (with proper credit, obviously). This contest is in no way sponsored, endorsed, or administered by, or associated with Instagram, TikTok, or any other social platform.
8. Disclaimers
We’re not responsible for technical failures, boring entries, or your French press shattering mid-pour.
9. Legal Stuff
Void where prohibited. All federal, state, and local laws and regulations apply.