YOUR COFFEE MACHINE DESERVES BETTER THAN GROCERY STORE BEANS…
LET'S PRETEND YOU DO TOO.
Too Indecisive?
Buy 2 get $4 Off! - or - Buy 3 get $10 Off!
Shipping Included!
Can’t decide which roast best compliments your self-image? Don’t worry… we’ll let you pretend you have range. With the sample pack you can decide which one of our coffees you like best before ordering more!
*IMPORTANT: Sample Packs are whole bean only and include:
Our latest Limited Reserve Roast: Roasted Velvet - Medium Roast - chocolate, brown sugar, orange, apricot.
Hints of Hubris – Light/Medium Roast – Fruit-forward and ego-enhancing.
Artisanal Nihilism – Medium/Dark Roast – Deep, complex, and mildly judgmental.
Single Origin Arrogance – Light/Medium Roast – Just one bean. Just one region. Just one superior choice.
Carefully roasted, smugly packaged, and shipped directly to your tastefully neutral kitchen.
In all seriousness, all of our coffee works well in most applications. Enjoy this coffee as an espresso, cold brew, french press, drip coffee, pour over, or cold press. However you want to make it, it will be impossibly delicious.
Buy 2 get $4 Off! - or - Buy 3 get $10 Off!
Shipping Included!
Can’t decide which roast best compliments your self-image? Don’t worry… we’ll let you pretend you have range. With the sample pack you can decide which one of our coffees you like best before ordering more!
*IMPORTANT: Sample Packs are whole bean only and include:
Our latest Limited Reserve Roast: Roasted Velvet - Medium Roast - chocolate, brown sugar, orange, apricot.
Hints of Hubris – Light/Medium Roast – Fruit-forward and ego-enhancing.
Artisanal Nihilism – Medium/Dark Roast – Deep, complex, and mildly judgmental.
Single Origin Arrogance – Light/Medium Roast – Just one bean. Just one region. Just one superior choice.
Carefully roasted, smugly packaged, and shipped directly to your tastefully neutral kitchen.
In all seriousness, all of our coffee works well in most applications. Enjoy this coffee as an espresso, cold brew, french press, drip coffee, pour over, or cold press. However you want to make it, it will be impossibly delicious.
Best sellers.
SHIPPING INCLUDED
Limited reserve roast - when it’s gone, it’s gone!
Roasted Velvet is a limited-reserve medium roast with impeccable manners and absolutely no interest in behaving modestly. Flavor notes are silky chocolate, brown sugar, orange peel, dried apricot, and the unwavering conviction that your grind setting is a personality trait. It opens plush and cocoa-rich, brightens with a perfectly timed touch of citrus, and settles into a soft fruit sweetness that feels less like a finish and more like being shown to the best chair in the room.
Each batch is roasted to bring the chocolate and brown sugar forward while allowing the orange peel and dried apricot to make a suitably elegant entrance. The body is velvety, the balance exacting, and the finish so composed you might assume it has never hurried for anything in its life.
Pairs well with marble counter tops, burr grinders calibrated with unnecessary ceremony, and handcrafted mugs that have never seen the inside of a break room.
If Roasted Velvet fails to impress you, no apology is necessary. Taste is personal, and admission was never guaranteed.
In all seriousness, Roasted Velvet performs beautifully across most brewing methods. Enjoy it as espresso, cold brew, French press, drip coffee, pour-over, or cold press. Each preparation reveals a different part of its chocolate sweetness, bright citrus, and dried-fruit character. However you make it, expect an exceptionally smooth and satisfying cup.
FREE SHIPPING!
Want to choose exactly what coffee’s you’d like? Don’t worry—we’ll let you pretend you have range. With the Mix & Save 4-Pack, you can curate your own lineup from our most insufferably good offerings and save money.
*IMPORTANT: Select roasts for each can when you add to cart
Roasted Velvet - Medium Roast - Limited Reserve - silky chocolate, brown sugar, orange peel, dried apricot.
Hints of Hubris – Light/Medium Roast – Fruit-forward and ego-enhancing.
Artisanal Nihilism – Medium/Dark Roast – Deep, complex, and mildly judgmental.
Single Origin Arrogance – Light/Medium Roast – Just one bean. Just one region. Just one superior choice.
Decaf, Really? – Medium Roast – For those who enjoy coffee flavor but have nothing left to prove.
Carefully roasted, smugly packaged, and shipped directly to your tastefully neutral kitchen.
In all seriousness, all of our coffee works well in most applications. Enjoy this coffee as an espresso, cold brew, french press, drip coffee, pour over, or cold press. However you want to make it, it will be impossibly delicious.
FREE SHIPPING!
Can’t decide which roast best complements your self-image? Don’t worry—we’ll let you pretend you have range. With the Mix & Save 2-Pack, you can pick two of our most insufferably good offerings and save money.
*IMPORTANT: Select roasts for each can when you add to cart
Roasted Velvet - Medium Roast - Limited Reserve - silky chocolate, brown sugar, orange peel, dried apricot.
Hints of Hubris – Light/Medium Roast – Fruit-forward and ego-enhancing.
Artisanal Nihilism – Medium/Dark Roast – Deep, complex, and mildly judgmental.
Single Origin Arrogance – Light/Medium Roast – Just one bean. Just one region. Just one superior choice.
Decaf, Really? – Medium Roast – For those who enjoy coffee flavor but have nothing left to prove.
Carefully roasted, smugly packaged, and shipped directly to your tastefully neutral kitchen.
In all seriousness, all of our coffee works well in most applications. Enjoy this coffee as an espresso, cold brew, french press, drip coffee, pour over, or cold press. However you want to make it, it will be impossibly delicious.
Just Want One?
FREE SHIPPING!
This light/medium roast tastes like philosophical fruit salad served on a reclaimed teak platter of your own insecurity. Ethically sourced from farms you’re too lazy to research, these beans deliver complex notes of citrus, doubt, florals, and self-importance… perfectly balanced for those who think they know what balance means. This is a blend of two beans. The first is grown in Nicaragua’s Segovia mountains. The second is from a women owned and led cooperative in Peru.
Roasted just enough to unlock flavor, but not so much that it screams “look at me,” this blend pairs well with distressed leather journals, failed startups, and overpriced pour-over gear you don’t actually know how to use.
We hand-select our beans, obsessively roast them in small batches, and package them in a recyclable can that says “I care about the planet… just not enough to skip espresso.”
If this coffee isn’t the best you’ve ever had, you probably brewed it wrong.
In all seriousness, all of our coffee works well in most applications. Enjoy this coffee as an espresso, cold brew, french press, drip coffee, pour over, or cold press. However you want to make it, it will be impossibly delicious.
FREE SHIPPING!
This medium/dark roast tastes like caramelized citrus, vintage cocoa, and the rush of correcting someone’s tamp pressure mid-conversation. It’s rich, smooth, and just bold enough to make you feel like you actually know what crema is.
Perfect for those who believe coffee should be taken seriously—but not too seriously—this roast is what happens when sophistication accidentally meets sarcasm over a cupping table. This is a blend of two beans. The first is grown in Nicaragua’s Segovia mountains. The second is from a women owned and led cooperative in Peru.
We obsess over the roast curve so you can pretend you do too. Each batch is hand-roasted, flavor-optimized, and packaged in a recyclable can that's far more tasteful than your last kitchen remodel.
Pairs well with espresso machines you don’t fully understand, brunch debates about grind size, and that one friend who still says "expresso."
If you don’t love it, it’s probably because your grinder is a crime against humanity.
In all seriousness, all of our coffee works well in most applications. Enjoy this coffee as an espresso, cold brew, french press, drip coffee, pour over, or cold press. However you want to make it, it will be impossibly delicious.
FREE SHIPPING!
This light/medium roast tastes like red apple, toasted almond, and the quiet confidence of knowing your beans have a passport stamp. Harvested from a single region (because blending is for the indecisive), this roast is bright, clean, and deeply committed to its own narrative.
We rotate our beans for this roast, always chasing the same flavors ridiculous quality. Currently we are sourcing this from small family farms in Nicaragua’s Nueva Segovia highlands, this bean is meticulously washed and sun-dried—because greatness rarely comes from somewhere flat.
Expect balanced acidity, a touch of sweetness, and just enough complexity to spark a lengthy monologue about elevation and soil composition at your next brunch.
Each batch is roasted to showcase the terroir—a word we use so you know we’re serious—and packaged in our signature can so your kitchen can look as curated as your coffee.
It’s not just single origin. It’s Single Origin Arrogance. And yes, the name is both a warning and a compliment.
In all seriousness, all of our coffee works well in most applications. Enjoy this coffee as an espresso, cold brew, french press, drip coffee, pour over, or cold press. However you want to make it, it will be impossibly delicious. (Keep in mind this is a light roast single origin coffee. It will be a bit more difficult to dial in as an espresso. Not recommended for beginner baristas.)
FREE SHIPPING!
This MWP decaf medium roast tastes like delicate florals, stewed plum, and the quiet dignity of pretending decaf espresso is still a flex. It’s smooth, refined, and just bold enough to fool your taste buds into thinking you’re still chasing the high of your 20s.
Decaffeinated using the Mountain Water Process—because chemical baths are for lesser brands—this roast preserves the nuance and character of real coffee, minus the existential jitters. The bean itself is from Columbia.
Ideal for late-night sipping, caffeine-cutting commitments, or impressing your barista with emotional maturity.
Yes, it’s decaf. And yes, it’s still better than what most people drink fully wired.
In all seriousness, all of our coffee works well in most applications. Enjoy this coffee as an espresso, cold brew, french press, drip coffee, pour over, or cold press. However you want to make it, it will be impossibly delicious.
Yes, we canned it.
No, we don’t owe you an explanation.
But here’s one anyway:
Were you expecting coffee beans in a lumpy bag? How remarkably pedestrian.
At Pretentious Coffee, we roast exceptional beans and seal them in bold aluminum cans… because bags are boring. Plus our cans go great with your kitchen decor and your ongoing identity crisis as a home barista.
Specialty coffee shouldn't require a PhD in flavor notes. We play the part of coffee snobs so you don’t have to.
It's just high-quality coffee for people who want to take their brew seriously… without taking themselves seriously.
